Would you Adam and Eve it

Once upon a time there were two people, one was called Adam and the other one was called Eve, Adam was a man and Eve was a woman. They lived in a place called the Garden of Eden, it was a really nice place with plants and trees and beautiful scenery, there were no high rise buildings or motorways and they didn’t even have a Mcdonalds, but despite this they were both happy.

 

God owned the Garden of Eden, but he was a good landlord and didn’t charge them any rent. He said they could do anything they wanted to the place as long as they leave his apple tree alone, God loved apples and he told Adam and Eve they must not have any of the apples for themselves, because he always makes a big apple pie every year for his angels, and he knows exactly how many apples each the tree produced every year. God was very clever like that.

 

So Adam and Eve did as God said, for a while at least. But one day Eve went out into the woods to pick mushrooms, and as she was picking the mushrooms she felt hungry so she eat a few of them just to stop her belly from rumbling. About an hour later Eve felt a little queasy so she sat down against God’s beloved apple tree, as she was sitting down a snake came to her and Eve had a long chat with the snake, he told Eve that if she eat an apple from the tree she will be as wise as God and be able to make her own Garden of Eden.

 

After many hours of talking to the snake Eve came down, I mean, Eve went home and told Adam everything that had happened, how she was picking mushrooms and felt tired and had a very interesting chat with a snake.

 

Adam didn’t believe Eve so he went with her the next day to see the snake but he didn’t appear, the next day Adam went with her again but still their was no snake. Adam told Eve that he did not believe her about the snake and told her she was talking shit. So the next day they traced Eve’s steps and did exactly what she did the day the snake appeared, they both picked mushrooms, eat a few of them and then sat beside the apple tree and an hour later the snake appeared.

 

Adam and Eve both talked to the snake for a very long time, and again the snake told them that if they eat an apple they would both become wise and would be able to do anything they wanted and finally be free from God, as although he was a good landlord, he was always checking up on them to make sure that none of them had eat any of his precious apples.

 

Adam didn’t want to eat the apple and said he was happy as things were, and besides having God around was nice because he had someone to chat to other than Eve and he trusted God not to try it on with Eve because God wasn’t into that sort of thing.

 

Eve kept on and on at Adam to eat an apple, and in the end she wore him down. Adam took an apple from the tree and took a big bite and then he passed the apple to Eve, but she said that she wasn’t very fussed on apples and that he could eat it all himself, Adam was not happy with Eve, after all it was her that made all the fuss about eating the apple, but Adam decided not to cause any arguments and eat all the apple to himself.

They sat for a while besides the tree talking to the snake, but then the snake just disappeared and they were all alone.

 

And then there was a loud crash from the skies, thunder and lighting and all things frightening. God appeared from above and he was angry, he accused Adam of eating an apple from the forbidden tree, but Adam denied it and so did Eve, when God told them he had a video on his smartphone of Adam eating the apple Adam admitted it but said that a snake had told him to do it, God didn’t believe Adam, Eve also told God about the snake, and God got very angry and told them that snakes do not talk, and he should know because he made all the snakes.

 

After about an hour and 20 minutes of God accusing Adam and Eve of eating from the apple tree, and Adam and Eve denying it, God had enough and he told then both to leave the Garden of Eden forever, Eve then told God that it was Adam that eat the apple and she had nothing to do with it, but God didn’t listen to Eve and flicked Adam with his little finger and Adam flew over the wall of the Garden of Eden, he then took a deep breath and blew a gust of wind onto Eve and she too ended up outside the Garden of Eden.

 

They tried to get back in but the wall was to high and Adam never got around to building a gate, which Eve took great pleasure in reminding him every 5 minutes.

 

After they were banished from the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve set up camp in a little field in the deep south, Adam and Eve had many children, but nobody knows for sure quite how many children they had because he lived to the age of 930 and in that time a many can make a lot of kids.

 

What is known though is that that there were two brothers one named Cain who was the first human to be born and the other was named Abel. Cain and Abel were always arguing because God liked Cain more than Abel. Abel used to call Cain an arse licker because he would give dead lambs to God, which was like giving an apple to the teacher, but all Abel had to give God was bags of compost because Cain had Flocks but Abel worked the soil and had no flocks, and God loved a bit of lamb, but had no use for compost.

 

One day Cain invited Abel to his field to look at his crops, but when Cain arrived Abel jumped him and a frenzied attack ensued which resulted in Cain killing Abel. When God found out about the fight he asked Cain what had happened to Abel, and Abel brazen as anything told God that he had killed him, but it was in self defence, God told Cain that he had filmed it all on his smartphone and it wasn’t self defence because he Cain lured Abel to his filed and set upon him like a wild animal, so therefore it was pre meditated and that meant it was murder not manslaughter.

 

So God banished Cain to a place called Nod which was east of Eden, and said something about the number 7 and put  some sort of  mark on Cain.

 

Not much is know of Adam and Eve after that but they had many other children. And well let’s just say if it was today then there would have been another Jimmy Saville type of enquiry going on like operation Yewtree, but maybe called operation Apple tree.

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Alfie dog

INTERNAL – LIVING ROOM

A POLICEMAN IS TALKING TO A WOMAN.

Policeman: When did you last see your dog?

Woman: I let him out straight after he had his food, as I always do, it was about twenty past seven just before Coronation Street started.

Policeman: And that was on the 3rd of September?

Woman: Yes, 6 days ago.

Policeman: And you have not seen him since?

Woman: I called him and called him, but he didn’t come, usually I only have to call him once and he comes running in.

Policeman: We have been receiving several reports of dogs going missing in this area it may be connected. Have you noticed any suspicious activity in your neighborhood lately?

Woman: Well, there has been a man walking past the garden lately and as soon as he saw Alfie he got excited, he said that he loves border terriers and has opened a shop in the high street. I looked out the window last week  and he was giving Alfie a doggie biscuit, I didn’t think nothing of it I thought he was a nice chap.

Policeman: Ah I see, we have had our suspicions lately of a new shop that has just opened in town. The Dog-Grooming parlor.

Woman: You think he has been grooming Alfie?

Policeman: it is a possibility.

END

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The goldfish

BRANDON AND HIS MOTHER ARE RETURNING A GOLDFISH TO THE COCONUT SHY MAN, THE GOLDFISH IS IN A BAG DEAD.

Mother: Excuse me, we won this goldfish on your stall yesterday, and within four hours of taking it home it was dead.

Man: It doesn’t look like one of my goldfish love. Are you sure you had it from here?

Woman: Yes I am sure, I have a picture on my phone of my son winning it outside your stall look.

WOMAN SHOWS THE MAN THE PICTURE.

Man: Did you follow the instructions I gave you before putting it into a tank?

Woman: Yes to the letter I have owned goldfish before I know what I am doing.

Man: Ok if you leave it with me I will run some toxicology reports to determine the exact cause of death.

Woman: Is that really necessary? Can’t you just give me another fish?

Man: Oh no love, we have strict guidelines here, I mean I am not being funny but how do I know that your little boy by there didn’t pour a bit of red bull into the tank to see if the fish could fly. It has happened before.

WOMAN TURNS TO HER SON

Woman: Brandon, did you put anything into the fish tank, before he died?

Brandon: No mammy he was just lying on his side, I didn’t do anything honest.

Woman: See my son doesn’t lie, if he says he didn’t do anything then I believe him.

Man: Well he can tell it to the police when they arrive.

Woman: The police? Do they have to get involved as well?

Man: Oh yes love strict guidelines, if a goldfish dies within a few hours of leaving here then we treat it as suspicious until otherwise proven. If I were you I would get a solicitor.

Woman: The police and a solicitor? All I want to do is for you to exchange this dead goldfish for another one.

Man: You want another dead goldfish?

Woman: No of course not, I want you to give me a goldfish that is alive in replace of this dead one.

Man: Sorry love I can’t do that, you might be a goldfish serial killer and I won’t have that on my conscience.

Woman: If I were a goldfish serial killer I would hardly bring it back here to show you, I would have just killed it and buried it in my garden.

Man: Not necessarily, you might get a kick out of bringing it back here and showing me the dead body to watch my reaction.

Woman: I am not taking anymore of this, I want to speak to your manager.

Man: Your holding him in your hand.

Woman: What? This dead goldfish is your manager?

Man: He was my manager until you killed him.

Woman: I told you before I did not kill it, and if you expect me to believe that this goldfish was your manager, then there is clearly something wrong with you.

Man: He’s not my manager any more , you’ve seen to that.

Woman: Ok if he was your manager, why did you allow my son to win him yesterday?

Man: He told me to do it, sales were dipping he said rather than get rid of me he should be the one to go, we were both hoping that he would find a good home and live a long life but now look at him, he didn’t last more than a day. It should have been me not him.

Woman: So let me get this right, you are saying that this dead goldfish I have in my hand was your manager?

Man: Yes, he was, and a good one at that. God rest his sole

Woman: I am sorry but I simply cannot believe that a goldfish was your manager. Is there anybody else I could speak to? Who owns the fair?

Man: That guy over there, by the ghost train.

WOMAN LOOKS AROUND

Woman: What guy? The one sitting down taking the money?

Man: No, not that guy, the one standing above him, with a scar on his head and a bolt going through his neck.

THE WOMAN TURNS TO LOOK AGAIN. SHE TAKES HOLD OF HER SON’S HAND

Woman: Come on Brandon we are going home.

END

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White patio chairs

EXTERNAL – GARDEN

2 PATIO CHAIRS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LAWN

Chair 1: I hate being a chair

Chair 2: So you keep saying

Chair 1: Well come on, you can’t exactly say that it’s a good life can you?

Chair2: We are not alive, we are chairs I keep telling you, we are just practical pieces of garden furniture.

Chair 1: How come we can talk then?

Chair 2: I don’t know the answer to that. I told you before and besides we can only talk to each other nobody else can hear us, so maybe we are not really talking, we just think we are.

Chair 1: Exactly. We think, so therefore we are.

Chair 2: There you go again, quoting from a book that somebody left open on your lap.

Chair 1: My lap, listen to you, at least I don’t think I’m human, I haven’t got a lap

Chair 2: You know what I mean. Must you always go on about this?

Chair 1: What else have we got to talk about?

Chair 2: What about that girl the other day, the blond that sat on you the one with the short skirt and no knickers?

Chair 1: Oh yes, I been meaning to tell you about that, when she walked over towards us, I was hoping that she would sit on me.

Chair 2: If it wasn’t for the mustard stain on my arm she would have sat on me I was gutted.

Chair 1: Don’t kid yourself I’m just a better looking chair than you.

Chair 2: We look exactly the same, we come out of the same box, and our Argos numbers are identical.

Chair 1: There you go again with your cloning conspiracy.  Now who is quoting from a book left on his lap? Brave new world wasn’t it?

Chair 2: It’s obvious we are clones, we have been mass manufactured, and we all look the same.

A MAN AND WOMAN APPROACH THE CHAIRS, THE MAN IS FILMING THE WOMAN ON HIS MOBILE AS SHE SHOWS THE CAMERA A COCKTAIL, THE WOMAN SITS ON CHAIR 1. AS SHE SETTLES IN THE CHAIR FALLS BACK AND HER LEGS ARE IN THE AIR. THE MAN IS STILL FILMING THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING.

Man: Ha ha ha. That is so funny I got to send it off to you’ve been framed

Chair 1: I ‘m going to be famous.

END

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The plumber

INTERNAL – KITCHEN.

 

A PLUMBER IS IN THE BATHROOM FIXING THE TOILET, THE HOUSEHOLDER A WOMAN IS SAT DOWNSTAIRS WAITING FOR HIM TO FINISH, HE HAS BEEN IN THERE FOR SEVERAL HOURS AND SHE CAN HEAR HIS FRUSTRATION.

 

HE FINALLY FINISHES AND WALKS DOWNSTAIRS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

 

Woman:  Hope everything was all right up there, I could hear you banging away at the pipes.

 

Plumber: Yes it’s all fine now, all fixed ready for you to use

 

Woman: Was it a very big job?

 

Plumber: There was a lot of blockage in the pipes, so I had to fit a new cistern as well.

 

Woman: I knew it, I hadn’t had a sh**t for 3 days, I, felt like I was giving birth at one point.

 

Woman: Did I say something funny?

 

Plumber: Yes, was it a big job, the amount of times I have heard that?

 

Woman: No I am serious, you were up there a long time, at least 3 hours, and it must have been a really big job.

 

Plumber: Yes there was a lot of blockage in the pipes, and I had to fit a new cistern.

 

Woman: There was a lot of banging going on, I thought you might have been building a log cabin or something.

 

PLUMBER LAUGHS AGAIN

 

Woman: I have said something funny again haven’t I, what is it this time?

 

Plumber: Log cabin, it’s a slang word for poo, I have heard that many times as well.

 

Woman: Well, I never I best not open my mouth again then, anyway how much do I owe you?

 

Plumber: £185 please.

 

THE WOMAN WRITES THE PLUMBER A CHEQUE

 

Plumber: Lovely day, to nice to be stuck inside.

 

Woman: Oh yes it’s beautiful; I am just about to go out to drop the kids off at the pool.

 

END

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Facebook

INTERNAL DAY – CLOSE UP OF A MAN (GARY) SITTING DOWN, YOU CAN SEE HE IS SURROUNDED BY OTHER PEOPLE BUT YOU CANNOT SEE THEM. HE IS ON HIS SMARTPHONE, LOGGED INTO FACEBOOK.

 

EXTREME CLOSE UP OF SMARTPHONE FACEBOOK.

 

GARY POSTS FOLLOWING COMMENT ON HIS TIMELINE:

 

That Raymond Bruce guy who robbed an old peoples home is a disgusting creature, how could he do it?

 

Reply from a friend:

 

If it is true it is disgusting, but we don’t know yet if he did it, you shouldn’t believe anything you read in the papers.

 

Gary’s Reply:

 

Yes but have you seen him, he looks like a creep the type of person that would rob his granny.

 

Reply from a friend:

 

Like I said, you should’t believe everything you read, wait until he is found guilty before you go throwing accusations around,  comments like  yours  on social networking will not help the case and sometimes guilty people have got off scott free because of people posting things on twitter and Facebook.

 

Gary’s Reply : Whatever

 

Reply from friend: And besides, if you actually read into it, there is no evidence at all that he was there, and the description given by some of the residents, say that it was a black man and Raymond Bruce is white.

 

Gary: I know that, but I don’t like the look of him anyway lol

 

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL GARY SEATED IN AMONGST 11 OTHER PEOPLE

 

Judge: So members of the jury do you find the defendant Raymond, George Bruce, guilty or not guilty.

 

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The cafe

EXTERNAL – DAY – STREET

 

GARETH IS WRITING ON ONE OF THOSE A BOARD CAFÉ SIGNS, THE SIGN READS “TODAYS SPECIAL OFFER A BACON BUTTY AND A CUP OF TEA ONLY £2”

 

THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD MARY AND TONY, ARE LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT GARETH, THEY ARE THE PROUD OWNERS OF SIDOLIS CAFÉ.

 

Mary: He is off again Tony

 

Tony: What is it this time?

 

Mary: A bacon butty and a cup of tea for £2.

 

Tony: This is getting ridiculous, who does he think he is?

 

Mary: Don’t let it get to you, he’s pathetic a stupid little man.

 

NEXT MORNING GARETH IS OUT AGAIN, THIS TIME HE WRITES ON THE SIGN “TODAYS SPECIAL OFFER 2 BACON BUTTY’S, A CUP OF TEA AND A WELSH CAKE FOR JUST £2.50”

 

MARY AND TONY ARE IN THE WINDOW AGAIN WATCHING HIM

 

Tony: I have had enough of this crap now, I’m going over to see him.

 

Mary: Don’t do anything hasty love, I don’t think he’s all there you know.

 

TONY WALKS OUT OF THE CAFÉ ACROSS THE ROAD AND APPROACHES GARETH.

 

Gareth: Hiya Tony, lovely day.

 

Tony: Listen Gareth I don’t mean to be rude, but everyday we watch you coming out and putting special offers on your board and it is getting a bit daft now.

 

Gareth: I am not sure what you mean, it’s a free market, a bit of healthy competition doesn’t hurt anyone.

 

Tony: I understand that mate, but you don’t even sell bacon butty’s, you run a furniture shop.

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Little Johnny

INTERNAL SCHOOL CLASSROOM

 

MISS ROBERTS, THE SUPPLY TEACHER IS STANDING IN FOR MRS TAYLOR.

 

Miss Roberts: Right class, who knows, what the government does?

 

Little Johnny puts his hand up

 

Miss Roberts: Yes, what’s your name

 

Johnny: Johnny miss

 

Miss Roberts: Ah I am not falling for that, I have heard what you little Johnies come out with, always very rude. Anybody else know what the government does?

 

Evan put’s his hand up

 

Miss Roberts: Yes what is your name?

 

Evan: Evan miss

 

JOHNNY PUTS HIS HAND UP AGAIN BUT MISS ROBERTS IGNORES HIM

 

Miss Roberts:  So Evan, what does the government do?

 

JOHNNY RAISES HIS HANDS UP FURTHER AND STARTS FIDGETING ABOUT TO GET TEACHERS ATTENTION, BUT MISS ROBERTS IGNORES HIM.

 

Evan: They stuff you up the arse miss that is what the government do.

 

Miss Roberts: That is disgusting Evan, you have a filthy mouth I would have expected it from little Johnny but not you Evan. Now Johny what is it?

 

Johny: Miss, Evan is the welsh name for Johnny

 

END

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seeing somebody else

EXTERNAL PARK – A WOMAN SITS ON A BENCH ALONE, THERE IS A MAN SITTING OPPOSITE HER WATCHING EVERY MOVE.

 

THE WOMAN IS TALKING TO HERSELF, SHE IS LAUGHING AS WELL

 

Day 2:

 

Woman is sitting at a bus stop she is alone again and the same man is watching her.

 

The woman is talking to herself again, this time it looks like she is offering a cigarette to an imaginary friend.

 

Day 3: Woman is walking down the street, she is alone again, the same man is watching her from across the road, this time she seems to be in some sort of an argument with herself.

 

The man takes his mobile phone out of his pocket and dials a number.

 

Man: Hello Mr. Preece, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you were right, your wife is seeing somebody else.

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Fracking

EXTERNAL – DAY – IN A NICE LITTLE CUL-DE-SAC

 

THERE IS A HOLE IN THE GROUND SURROUNDED BY SAFETY BARRIERS

 

DAVE IS STANDING BY THE SIDE OF IT HOLDING A BANNER THAT READS “SAY NO TO FRACKING”

 

HE IS ALSO SHOUTING THROUGH A MEGAPHONE “ NO FRACKING IN OUR VILLAGE”

 

A VAN PULLS UP BESIDE DAVE, A MAN GETS OUT HE HAS A HI VIS JACKET ON, A SHIRT UNDERNEATH.

 

Man approaches Dave.

 

Workman:  Listen mate there is no fracking going on here, we are just undertaking some minor repair work.

 

Dave:  Are you sure, because they are fracking everywhere these days, it’s all you hear about on the news, fracking this and fracking that.

 

Workman: Yes I am positive,  we have completed the work required and are coming back on Monday to fill the hole in.

 

Dave: But what about the smell of gas?, everyone is talking about it, and my pictures.

 

Workman: There was a small leak in one of the pipes and  we plugged it up. What about your pictures?

 

Dave: One of them fell off the wall this morning.

 

Workman: What has that got to do with what we are doing here?

 

Dave: It’s the vibrations when they are fracking, it causes earthquakes and tremors and pictures to fall off walls, how do you explain that then?

 

Workman: Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but it has nothing to do with the work we are doing in your street.

 

Dave:  Oh right

 

DAVE LOOKS DOWN TO THE FLOOR AS IF HE IS THINKING, HE LOOKS BACK UP AT THE WORKMAN

 

Dave: Your lace is undone

 

END

 

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