Me versus the moth

I was sitting quietly thinking to myself as I often do, I enjoy my own company more than the company of other people I think it’s because I have so much in common with me. Anyway there was a moth flying around the light bulb banging against it and flapping it’s mothy wings, and as you may or may not know moths are telepathic they can read peoples thoughts, though they can’t read other moths thoughts just human thoughts, that is why they fly around lights because when we think we emit beams of thoughts that are invisible like microwaves (ping) but they are not called microwaves they are called thoughtowaves, and these thoughowaves head straight for the nearest light source.

Anyway I could see him flying around reading my thoughts and he was laughing as he was bumping into the light, he was laughing at the things I was thinking, and the things I was thinking were not particularly funny some of them were quite serious in nature but there he was having a good old laugh at my expense as he was intercepting my deepest thoughts.

So I turned the light off so he couldn’t read my thoughts and thus giving me time to concoct a cunning plan to get rid of the moth once and for all. But I knew once I turned the light back on he would be able to tell what I was thinking and then he would do something clever like moths do when faced with being eliminated.

So I fumbled around the room looking for a weapon and luckily there was a dictionary on the coffee table it was the perfect device to beat him at his own game, so I grabbed the dictionary and quickly turned on the light and at the same time I turned on the light I started reading the dictionary not out aloud but in my mind, so my thoughtowaves were being blasted into his tiny little moth head, and as I was reading the big words in the dictionary I could see the moth getting disorientated he couldn’t handle the immense amount of big words that were being zapped into his barnet, I started reading quicker and quicker and then all of a sudden I heard a popping noise I looked up and all I could see was a small puff of smoke, the moth had exploded into little pieces, he was now just dust in the air.

I put the dictionary down because all the big words were also giving me a bit of a headache, and then I carried on thinking to myself safe in the knowledge that nobody was intercepting my thoughts.

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We buy any car

 

 

It was June 1990 me and Rob (I will say me & Rob rather than Rob and I, because Rob and I sounds to posh) were doing disco’s we had a set of technics SL1210’s some really loud speakers and a few lights, that’s all we needed but there was one problem we didn’t have a car, so we used to ask friends to give us lifts to whatever place that had booked us for the night and sometimes we had to cancel because we couldn’t find anybody to take us there. When I say there was one problem it was actually a few problems but they didn’t really matter. I couldn’t drive at all I didn’t even know what pedals to press or what they were called, Robert could drive and was a good driver but he didn’t have a license, not even a provisional, but as I said they were not really problems because although Robert didn’t have a license that didn’t stop him from driving, whenever we had a car that is.

Anyway we had saved about £100 from doing disco’s so we were looking for a cheap car to buy, we had heard that a guy in Banwen was selling a Ford Escort van for the same price so we found out who he was and where he lived and asked a friend to give us a lift to his house to look at the van.

When we arrived at the house we could see the van parked outside it was a little bit battered in parts but all in all it looked okay for £100, as long as it went that was all that mattered to us and it was perfect because it was a van not a car so all the equipment could fit in the back without the hassle of putting the seats down. It also had 2 months tax and 4 months MOT on it.

We had a quick look round it we didn’t know much about cars at all but as I said it looked okay, we knocked on the guys house and as it happened I knew him from years ago, he used to be a friend of my step fathers, I will not say his name but from now on in he will be known as Dai (Short for David if you are not from wales.)

So Dai wasn’t budging on the price Robert tried to haggle but he was having none of it, we had told our lift he could go after we had a quick look at the car and decided there and then we were going to buy it so it was either buy the car or walk home, we gave Dai the £100 he gave us the documents and we told him we would fill all the details in and send them off, although we had no intention of doing that. We didn’t even take it for a test drive we were that desperate for a car.

And off we went on our journey home, which was only about 5 miles down the road. The first 2 miles were fine and it seemed like a bargain but then as we were driving down the Banwen road the car started spluttering and back firing and then I looked out the back window and could see a big plume of black smoke behind us, and then the engine stopped and then the car stopped.

We were on a bend in the road but it wasn’t our fault the car just stopped, we got out of the car and could see a trail of oil on the road where we had just driven, Rob tried to start the engine again but it was no use the car had died on us.

“What shall we do Rob?”

“We leave the car here and walk back up to that bastards house and get our money back, that’s what we’ll do.”

“What if he doesn’t give us our money back?”

“There’s no way that he’s getting away with this, he sold us a piece of junk, and besides we need a car and that’s all the money we had.”

So we left the car as it was and walked back up to Dai’s house.

When we got to his house there was no answer so we walked around the back and we found Dai in his garage smoking a fag, and the conversation went like this…

Dai: Alright boys what’s up?

Rob: That car you sold us, it’s a piece of junk, it broke down on the Banwen road

Dai: That’s not my problem boys, it’s your car now not mine.

Rob: Are you serious mate?

Dai: Yeah it was fine when it left here.

Rob: It was leaking oil all the way down the road and the engine has stopped, it won’t turn over.

Dai: Sorry boys. Sold as seen

Rob: You what mate? You can’t be serious that car isn’t roadworthy.

Dai: You had a look at it before you bought it boys, not my problem.

Carl: C’mon Dai you patched that car up so it could drive out of here, and you knew it wouldn’t get far.

Dai: sorry boys, like I said, sold as seen.

I could see Robert’s face he was getting angry and Dai wasn’t budging, and I knew Robert well enough to know that we weren’t going to leave without our money or without a fight. The situation was getting tense and nobody was talking Robert was looking around the garage, I knew that he was looking for something to grab to either threaten Dai with or to start smashing things up, and then I could see a change in Roberts face…

Robert: See My old man told me not to trust you; he said not to buy anything off you.

Dai: Who’s your old man then?

Robert: Glyn Hughes.

And that was when it all changed, Dai’s face dropped and he put his hand in his pocket.

Dai: I was only joking boys here have your money.

And Dai handed Robert the £100.

We didn’t stay around for small talk we left there and then and had to walk home. On the way home Robert explained that he was ready to start smashing things up and didn’t want to use his fathers name but he knew if he mentioned his father that Dai would know who he was and would also know that if he didn’t give us the money back there would have been consequences, what them consequences were I don’t know, but Dai knew better than to wait and see.

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Man with white van fed up of being accused of trying to steal dogs

 

Delivery driver Leighton Keanes has just about had enough of being accused of trying to steal dogs every time he goes out in his white van.

He has been chased out of streets, had stones thrown at his van and has even been verbally abused and threatened. He blames Facebook for the rise in the attacks and people thinking that every white van they see in the street is out to steal dogs.

He told reporters:

“I understand people are worried about their dogs but it’s getting ridiculous, I’m just a self employed delivery driver, I don’t even like dogs. All I’m doing is delivering parcels for Boohoo and La Redoute and I get abuse hurled at me daily.

His wife Linda told us:

“One of my friends posted a picture on Facebook about a van going around stealing dogs, I shared it myself but then when I looked closer at the picture I noticed it was Leighton’s van, I asked him if he was stealing dogs and he went mental on me, so if I thought it I can see how easily other people might think it.”

One resident of LLygad Yr Haul in Maerdy said:

“You read about it all the time on Facebook you can never be too careful, I would hate it if my little Toby was stolen and used in a dog fight down Aberavon beach.”

Leighton has contacted the police but they have told him there is nothing they can do, they suggested using a different colour van and possibly “parking down the road a bit” instead of driving into each street.

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New Zealand woman in Facebook appeal to find Welsh father

 

New Zealand woman in Facebook appeal to find Welsh father

Christina Price aged 27 from New Zealand is hoping that the power of social networking will help to find the father she has never met. The only information she has to go on is that her mother met him in July 1988 at the Con club in Aberdare, and he was drinking Bow & Black.

Christina’s mother and grand parents emigrated to New Zealand from Tonypandy shortly after she was born. Her mother doesn’t remember the man’s name she met or remember much about the night Christina was conceived.

Christina told a reporter:

“My mother met him in the Con club in Aberdare and had a one night stand, well she says one night stand I think they just had a quick shag in the toilets myself. She saw him twice after that though, once in the Black Prince in Llantrisant and then in Pontlottyn spunk shed, and both times he called her a fat slag and told her to piss off.”

She would like to hear from anybody who used to go to Aberdare Con Club, the Black Prince or Pontlottyn spunk shed on weekends in the late 80’s. And she would especially be interested if you drank Bow & Black and remembered anything about shagging a drunken blonde (peroxide) in the toilets around July 1988.

 

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Would you Adam and Eve it

Once upon a time there were two people, one was called Adam and the other one was called Eve, Adam was a man and Eve was a woman. They lived in a place called the Garden of Eden, it was a really nice place with plants and trees and beautiful scenery, there were no high rise buildings or motorways and they didn’t even have a Mcdonalds, but despite this they were both happy.

 

God owned the Garden of Eden, but he was a good landlord and didn’t charge them any rent. He said they could do anything they wanted to the place as long as they leave his apple tree alone, God loved apples and he told Adam and Eve they must not have any of the apples for themselves, because he always makes a big apple pie every year for his angels, and he knows exactly how many apples each the tree produced every year. God was very clever like that.

 

So Adam and Eve did as God said, for a while at least. But one day Eve went out into the woods to pick mushrooms, and as she was picking the mushrooms she felt hungry so she eat a few of them just to stop her belly from rumbling. About an hour later Eve felt a little queasy so she sat down against God’s beloved apple tree, as she was sitting down a snake came to her and Eve had a long chat with the snake, he told Eve that if she eat an apple from the tree she will be as wise as God and be able to make her own Garden of Eden.

 

After many hours of talking to the snake Eve came down, I mean, Eve went home and told Adam everything that had happened, how she was picking mushrooms and felt tired and had a very interesting chat with a snake.

 

Adam didn’t believe Eve so he went with her the next day to see the snake but he didn’t appear, the next day Adam went with her again but still their was no snake. Adam told Eve that he did not believe her about the snake and told her she was talking shit. So the next day they traced Eve’s steps and did exactly what she did the day the snake appeared, they both picked mushrooms, eat a few of them and then sat beside the apple tree and an hour later the snake appeared.

 

Adam and Eve both talked to the snake for a very long time, and again the snake told them that if they eat an apple they would both become wise and would be able to do anything they wanted and finally be free from God, as although he was a good landlord, he was always checking up on them to make sure that none of them had eat any of his precious apples.

 

Adam didn’t want to eat the apple and said he was happy as things were, and besides having God around was nice because he had someone to chat to other than Eve and he trusted God not to try it on with Eve because God wasn’t into that sort of thing.

 

Eve kept on and on at Adam to eat an apple, and in the end she wore him down. Adam took an apple from the tree and took a big bite and then he passed the apple to Eve, but she said that she wasn’t very fussed on apples and that he could eat it all himself, Adam was not happy with Eve, after all it was her that made all the fuss about eating the apple, but Adam decided not to cause any arguments and eat all the apple to himself.

They sat for a while besides the tree talking to the snake, but then the snake just disappeared and they were all alone.

 

And then there was a loud crash from the skies, thunder and lighting and all things frightening. God appeared from above and he was angry, he accused Adam of eating an apple from the forbidden tree, but Adam denied it and so did Eve, when God told them he had a video on his smartphone of Adam eating the apple Adam admitted it but said that a snake had told him to do it, God didn’t believe Adam, Eve also told God about the snake, and God got very angry and told them that snakes do not talk, and he should know because he made all the snakes.

 

After about an hour and 20 minutes of God accusing Adam and Eve of eating from the apple tree, and Adam and Eve denying it, God had enough and he told then both to leave the Garden of Eden forever, Eve then told God that it was Adam that eat the apple and she had nothing to do with it, but God didn’t listen to Eve and flicked Adam with his little finger and Adam flew over the wall of the Garden of Eden, he then took a deep breath and blew a gust of wind onto Eve and she too ended up outside the Garden of Eden.

 

They tried to get back in but the wall was to high and Adam never got around to building a gate, which Eve took great pleasure in reminding him every 5 minutes.

 

After they were banished from the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve set up camp in a little field in the deep south, Adam and Eve had many children, but nobody knows for sure quite how many children they had because he lived to the age of 930 and in that time a many can make a lot of kids.

 

What is known though is that that there were two brothers one named Cain who was the first human to be born and the other was named Abel. Cain and Abel were always arguing because God liked Cain more than Abel. Abel used to call Cain an arse licker because he would give dead lambs to God, which was like giving an apple to the teacher, but all Abel had to give God was bags of compost because Cain had Flocks but Abel worked the soil and had no flocks, and God loved a bit of lamb, but had no use for compost.

 

One day Cain invited Abel to his field to look at his crops, but when Cain arrived Abel jumped him and a frenzied attack ensued which resulted in Cain killing Abel. When God found out about the fight he asked Cain what had happened to Abel, and Abel brazen as anything told God that he had killed him, but it was in self defence, God told Cain that he had filmed it all on his smartphone and it wasn’t self defence because he Cain lured Abel to his filed and set upon him like a wild animal, so therefore it was pre meditated and that meant it was murder not manslaughter.

 

So God banished Cain to a place called Nod which was east of Eden, and said something about the number 7 and put  some sort of  mark on Cain.

 

Not much is know of Adam and Eve after that but they had many other children. And well let’s just say if it was today then there would have been another Jimmy Saville type of enquiry going on like operation Yewtree, but maybe called operation Apple tree.

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Alfie dog

INTERNAL – LIVING ROOM

A POLICEMAN IS TALKING TO A WOMAN.

Policeman: When did you last see your dog?

Woman: I let him out straight after he had his food, as I always do, it was about twenty past seven just before Coronation Street started.

Policeman: And that was on the 3rd of September?

Woman: Yes, 6 days ago.

Policeman: And you have not seen him since?

Woman: I called him and called him, but he didn’t come, usually I only have to call him once and he comes running in.

Policeman: We have been receiving several reports of dogs going missing in this area it may be connected. Have you noticed any suspicious activity in your neighborhood lately?

Woman: Well, there has been a man walking past the garden lately and as soon as he saw Alfie he got excited, he said that he loves border terriers and has opened a shop in the high street. I looked out the window last week  and he was giving Alfie a doggie biscuit, I didn’t think nothing of it I thought he was a nice chap.

Policeman: Ah I see, we have had our suspicions lately of a new shop that has just opened in town. The Dog-Grooming parlor.

Woman: You think he has been grooming Alfie?

Policeman: it is a possibility.

END

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The goldfish

BRANDON AND HIS MOTHER ARE RETURNING A GOLDFISH TO THE COCONUT SHY MAN, THE GOLDFISH IS IN A BAG DEAD.

Mother: Excuse me, we won this goldfish on your stall yesterday, and within four hours of taking it home it was dead.

Man: It doesn’t look like one of my goldfish love. Are you sure you had it from here?

Woman: Yes I am sure, I have a picture on my phone of my son winning it outside your stall look.

WOMAN SHOWS THE MAN THE PICTURE.

Man: Did you follow the instructions I gave you before putting it into a tank?

Woman: Yes to the letter I have owned goldfish before I know what I am doing.

Man: Ok if you leave it with me I will run some toxicology reports to determine the exact cause of death.

Woman: Is that really necessary? Can’t you just give me another fish?

Man: Oh no love, we have strict guidelines here, I mean I am not being funny but how do I know that your little boy by there didn’t pour a bit of red bull into the tank to see if the fish could fly. It has happened before.

WOMAN TURNS TO HER SON

Woman: Brandon, did you put anything into the fish tank, before he died?

Brandon: No mammy he was just lying on his side, I didn’t do anything honest.

Woman: See my son doesn’t lie, if he says he didn’t do anything then I believe him.

Man: Well he can tell it to the police when they arrive.

Woman: The police? Do they have to get involved as well?

Man: Oh yes love strict guidelines, if a goldfish dies within a few hours of leaving here then we treat it as suspicious until otherwise proven. If I were you I would get a solicitor.

Woman: The police and a solicitor? All I want to do is for you to exchange this dead goldfish for another one.

Man: You want another dead goldfish?

Woman: No of course not, I want you to give me a goldfish that is alive in replace of this dead one.

Man: Sorry love I can’t do that, you might be a goldfish serial killer and I won’t have that on my conscience.

Woman: If I were a goldfish serial killer I would hardly bring it back here to show you, I would have just killed it and buried it in my garden.

Man: Not necessarily, you might get a kick out of bringing it back here and showing me the dead body to watch my reaction.

Woman: I am not taking anymore of this, I want to speak to your manager.

Man: Your holding him in your hand.

Woman: What? This dead goldfish is your manager?

Man: He was my manager until you killed him.

Woman: I told you before I did not kill it, and if you expect me to believe that this goldfish was your manager, then there is clearly something wrong with you.

Man: He’s not my manager any more , you’ve seen to that.

Woman: Ok if he was your manager, why did you allow my son to win him yesterday?

Man: He told me to do it, sales were dipping he said rather than get rid of me he should be the one to go, we were both hoping that he would find a good home and live a long life but now look at him, he didn’t last more than a day. It should have been me not him.

Woman: So let me get this right, you are saying that this dead goldfish I have in my hand was your manager?

Man: Yes, he was, and a good one at that. God rest his sole

Woman: I am sorry but I simply cannot believe that a goldfish was your manager. Is there anybody else I could speak to? Who owns the fair?

Man: That guy over there, by the ghost train.

WOMAN LOOKS AROUND

Woman: What guy? The one sitting down taking the money?

Man: No, not that guy, the one standing above him, with a scar on his head and a bolt going through his neck.

THE WOMAN TURNS TO LOOK AGAIN. SHE TAKES HOLD OF HER SON’S HAND

Woman: Come on Brandon we are going home.

END

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White patio chairs

EXTERNAL – GARDEN

2 PATIO CHAIRS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LAWN

Chair 1: I hate being a chair

Chair 2: So you keep saying

Chair 1: Well come on, you can’t exactly say that it’s a good life can you?

Chair2: We are not alive, we are chairs I keep telling you, we are just practical pieces of garden furniture.

Chair 1: How come we can talk then?

Chair 2: I don’t know the answer to that. I told you before and besides we can only talk to each other nobody else can hear us, so maybe we are not really talking, we just think we are.

Chair 1: Exactly. We think, so therefore we are.

Chair 2: There you go again, quoting from a book that somebody left open on your lap.

Chair 1: My lap, listen to you, at least I don’t think I’m human, I haven’t got a lap

Chair 2: You know what I mean. Must you always go on about this?

Chair 1: What else have we got to talk about?

Chair 2: What about that girl the other day, the blond that sat on you the one with the short skirt and no knickers?

Chair 1: Oh yes, I been meaning to tell you about that, when she walked over towards us, I was hoping that she would sit on me.

Chair 2: If it wasn’t for the mustard stain on my arm she would have sat on me I was gutted.

Chair 1: Don’t kid yourself I’m just a better looking chair than you.

Chair 2: We look exactly the same, we come out of the same box, and our Argos numbers are identical.

Chair 1: There you go again with your cloning conspiracy.  Now who is quoting from a book left on his lap? Brave new world wasn’t it?

Chair 2: It’s obvious we are clones, we have been mass manufactured, and we all look the same.

A MAN AND WOMAN APPROACH THE CHAIRS, THE MAN IS FILMING THE WOMAN ON HIS MOBILE AS SHE SHOWS THE CAMERA A COCKTAIL, THE WOMAN SITS ON CHAIR 1. AS SHE SETTLES IN THE CHAIR FALLS BACK AND HER LEGS ARE IN THE AIR. THE MAN IS STILL FILMING THEY ARE BOTH LAUGHING.

Man: Ha ha ha. That is so funny I got to send it off to you’ve been framed

Chair 1: I ‘m going to be famous.

END

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The plumber

INTERNAL – KITCHEN.

 

A PLUMBER IS IN THE BATHROOM FIXING THE TOILET, THE HOUSEHOLDER A WOMAN IS SAT DOWNSTAIRS WAITING FOR HIM TO FINISH, HE HAS BEEN IN THERE FOR SEVERAL HOURS AND SHE CAN HEAR HIS FRUSTRATION.

 

HE FINALLY FINISHES AND WALKS DOWNSTAIRS TO THE LIVING ROOM.

 

Woman:  Hope everything was all right up there, I could hear you banging away at the pipes.

 

Plumber: Yes it’s all fine now, all fixed ready for you to use

 

Woman: Was it a very big job?

 

Plumber: There was a lot of blockage in the pipes, so I had to fit a new cistern as well.

 

Woman: I knew it, I hadn’t had a sh**t for 3 days, I, felt like I was giving birth at one point.

 

Woman: Did I say something funny?

 

Plumber: Yes, was it a big job, the amount of times I have heard that?

 

Woman: No I am serious, you were up there a long time, at least 3 hours, and it must have been a really big job.

 

Plumber: Yes there was a lot of blockage in the pipes, and I had to fit a new cistern.

 

Woman: There was a lot of banging going on, I thought you might have been building a log cabin or something.

 

PLUMBER LAUGHS AGAIN

 

Woman: I have said something funny again haven’t I, what is it this time?

 

Plumber: Log cabin, it’s a slang word for poo, I have heard that many times as well.

 

Woman: Well, I never I best not open my mouth again then, anyway how much do I owe you?

 

Plumber: £185 please.

 

THE WOMAN WRITES THE PLUMBER A CHEQUE

 

Plumber: Lovely day, to nice to be stuck inside.

 

Woman: Oh yes it’s beautiful; I am just about to go out to drop the kids off at the pool.

 

END

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Facebook

INTERNAL DAY – CLOSE UP OF A MAN (GARY) SITTING DOWN, YOU CAN SEE HE IS SURROUNDED BY OTHER PEOPLE BUT YOU CANNOT SEE THEM. HE IS ON HIS SMARTPHONE, LOGGED INTO FACEBOOK.

 

EXTREME CLOSE UP OF SMARTPHONE FACEBOOK.

 

GARY POSTS FOLLOWING COMMENT ON HIS TIMELINE:

 

That Raymond Bruce guy who robbed an old peoples home is a disgusting creature, how could he do it?

 

Reply from a friend:

 

If it is true it is disgusting, but we don’t know yet if he did it, you shouldn’t believe anything you read in the papers.

 

Gary’s Reply:

 

Yes but have you seen him, he looks like a creep the type of person that would rob his granny.

 

Reply from a friend:

 

Like I said, you should’t believe everything you read, wait until he is found guilty before you go throwing accusations around,  comments like  yours  on social networking will not help the case and sometimes guilty people have got off scott free because of people posting things on twitter and Facebook.

 

Gary’s Reply : Whatever

 

Reply from friend: And besides, if you actually read into it, there is no evidence at all that he was there, and the description given by some of the residents, say that it was a black man and Raymond Bruce is white.

 

Gary: I know that, but I don’t like the look of him anyway lol

 

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL GARY SEATED IN AMONGST 11 OTHER PEOPLE

 

Judge: So members of the jury do you find the defendant Raymond, George Bruce, guilty or not guilty.

 

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